My three-year-old is having some sleep struggles lately, and I’m curious who has gone through something similar and how they handled it. As I’m sure some can relate, I love her so much, but I need to recharge time in the evening, and I need my own space while sleeping to rest well. There have been a lot of nights lately where she needs extra reassurance when going to bed, and ends up between my husband and I in our bed at some point in the night. The mama side of me is happy to make her feel heard and seen and help her find comfort when she can’t find it herself, but I also feel drained when I’ve spent all day doing mama things and need to allow some time to simply “be”. What changes have you all been able to implement in similar situations that seemed to help your LO cope with separation anxiety at night? We haven’t coslept or shared a room since she was about a year old so sleeping in her own space is not new. It should be noted that her room is currently “under construction” and she’s sleeping in our guest room, but she started off so strong! She was thrilled to be in the big girl bed and felt special being in a new space, but I’m beginning to think the special aspects are wearing off. Whatever tried and true tips you have would be super helpful to regain the balance that we once had. I’d be one grateful mama thank you!
-Sleepless Mama of a Toddler (Drawn from Empath Mama’s Private Group on FB)
Dear Sleepless Mama,
I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. Results with things like this can be like an art form with little ones. As a mom especially, an empathic one you need untethered time, it’s a must, not an option so no need to feel bad about that. If your child falls into the Highly Sensitive Child (HSC) personality type, it adds a dimension to the situation that many parents overlook. kids who may be more sensitive need help to process when things get overwhelming to them.
It appears her fear of staying on her own is overwhelming her so her response as the only solution is to stay with you.
I’m not sure I was reading it correctly but it sounds like you were gone two months to help her grandpa? She might be worried about Grandpa who took you away for so long. Or worried you’ll go again and is afraid to lose you.
It’s like the story parallel to a new baby in a family being added where a husband says, “Honey, I like you so much I’m getting another one of you, I’m adding another wife.” To the parallel of how a child might feel adding a sibling. In the same vein, she might correlate fear of having you give grandpa the attention she wants.
You can ask her about how she felt when you had to go away to help grandpa. Then just stay silent and let her say what she feels. Her eyes might well up or there may be no response at all. She might not be aware of what drives it at night but fear that is generalized for her.
Self-soothing is your goal.
Do all of the obvious things to see if you can help her self-soothe….
1) Ask her during the day to choose a Lovie item that feels the best to feel safe and sound all night.
2) You can ask her to sit at the table and draw with coloring crayons how she feels at night when she doesn’t feel like she can stay in bed. Don’t stick around, tell her to get you when she’s finished. This space allows her to process. Then ask questions, tell me about this yellow area, etc.
3) Tell her resting is as good as sleeping and that she can lie in bed snuggled with her lovie and this is as good as sleep. (kids 6 and older will generally adopt this and fall asleep, not sure about 3 but she might be ahead of the curve and adopt it too.) The other reason this is a good one is it gives the child control over the situation.
4) Love and logic has a concept called “bedroom time”. Our daughter at 2.5 years old asked if she could leave her light on for a while after we put her to bed. I was a control freak parent at that time and said, “Ok” skeptically and enforced that she turn off her light before she goes to sleep. When we checked in on her she had every single book she owned on top of her bed. She “read” all of her books and turned her light off! So, we started bedroom time at a younger age with our kids where we’d have our evening routine of bath and reading books together. Then our kids could have bedroom time where the rules are they could do a quiet activity in their room and put themselves to bed. This worked great for our family. It gave the parents downtime and the kids too. it also gave the kids control.
5) Refrain from attaching things to her behavior, ‘You’re a big girl now.” This can be confusing to little ones. Instead, “I think you’re ready to sleep on your own in a bigger bed now.” Then say nothing else. If she makes it one night build her self-concept by describing what you saw her do. “I see a kid who successfully sleeps by herself.” This gets her to self-validate in place of looking for your belief she can do it. It’s powerful in so many ways! But only use that trick once in a while or they’ll catch on. Stick away from “good job”, this is not a viable option for your child to successfully self-validate.
6) If she conveys during the day her fear gently ask her what she thinks she can do about it. “Hmmm, what do you think you can do about it/”
As I said, this is an art form with such a little one. She is feeling fear and getting her to address it and giving her support to figure out how she can soothe herself from it is the goal.
This video while not a direct example is a way to encourage thinking outside of the box when it comes to parenting. It’s also a feel-good story about addressing our fear on something might inspire our child to do the same…..
https://www.facebook.com/WTHR13/videos/555217481746058
Sleep well!
Amy Answers
Follow Up Response from Sleepless Mama
Thank you so much. Your advice is such a comfort and very informative. As a matter of fact- I wanted to let you know that we tried to have bedroom quiet time last night for the first time and I was in AWE at how well she did. She read about half of her books, and within 20 minutes turned off her light and went to bed on her own. And stayed in bed. I think it was a really powerful moment for her, or at least it seemed that way to me! I’m so grateful you shared that with me!
-Sleepless Mama
I’m very glad to hear this! Try this with your own kids. The key is to focus on how we give control back to the child naturally. If you think your child would not have the same result you are not ready for methods like this. We need to be ready to be solution-oriented and have released our need to control or enable (overly protect) our child.
Everything shared here are suggestions and are not for use in all situations. Ensuring your young child has a safe space to be in for bedroom time and it is right for your family is your choice and in no way is it being reflected here as solution or prescriptive method. Good luck and be well and parent on!
-Amy Answers