How to Navigate Divorce with Children

I need recommendations and advice on how to support my young children through a divorce. I feel really lost at sea! Please help.

Dear Lost at Sea,

Divorce is hard enough but when we need to consider how to best manage it for our children this adds a dynamic into the mix that feels like a mystery. Questions abound, how do we create a common message with our kids, how do we keep consistency? The good news is it’s possible to parent different ways and get great results.

First of all, I'm sorry about the divorce. Secondly, allowing the kids to be open about how they feel is a good approach. Only answer the questions they ask and if you're not sure how to answer their questions tell them you'll need to get back to them on it. Then ask a trusted friend or get support to figure out how you'd like to respond. Kids can sometimes show new and undesirable behaviors, don't take it personally, instead give them an outlet. Ask them what they're feeling. If they answer "I don't know" gently tell them "when you know I'd like to know too." Then pause and be silent because its common for kids to come up with it right there. If not they might come running to you later, "Mom, I'm angry." Stay neutral and say, "I see." Take them by the hand to a pillow and ask them on the pillow to show you how angry they are. Translating the feeling to an outlet. Identifying how your child can get the feeling out is why you are their mother, you know them best! For a creative child, you might ask them to color how mad they are as you sit them down with paper and crayons. Choose an outlet you know is more naturally suited to the child. If the child learns to identify their feelings you've got gold. If you help them express their feelings you will have children who know who they are. Lastly, if you help them reframe situations, "This is always so terrible!" To sometimes it's hard and sometimes it's ok and sometimes it's great. Reframing how a child sees things can help them avoid anxiety or the attachment to outcome, which will put them light years ahead of their peers. Wishing you an easy transition and a bright future with your children.

Warmly,

Amy Answers